I wanted to share a simple strategy from the couples retreat I ran this weekend. As you likely know, my first book and breakout program was called The Power of Play, Praise, and Purpose. It was good content based on my relationship with another alpha.
But the more and more I began to work with entrepreneurial women, I recognized they needed more than just Play, Praise, and Purpose.
They needed Provision, Protection, and Pursuit.
When I talked about this with my couples (there were about 30 in the room), there was one strategy that was considered a total BALLER move.
And it’s so basic. So easy. And makes a massive difference.
What was it?
To take care of her car.
That’s it! Make sure there’s always gas in it. That her tires are safe. That it’s up to speed with all its maintenance. It was the one thing that the women raved about!
So fellas, if this has fallen off your list, make it happen, Cap’n 😉
And ladies, remember, what we appreciate, appreciated. Want more of the good stuff? Keep speaking into it!
Alright, that’s all for now. Off to learn and play and grow and connect- Because women succeed in community and I’ve found mine! Join me!
I know you want success. And I know the more success you create, the more you want your partner to keep up. You dream of being that ‘Power Couple’ that shares big goals and dreams and creates a huge life together. I know because I’ve been there and I’m sharing this story with you today because inside this desire, I found the key. If you’ve heard me speak from stage, this may be a refresher for you. If you’re new here, settle in and enjoy!
The first time I was asked to speak at an all women’s business conference, I declined. I was scared.
I thought I was scared because my message of “play more” and “praise more” would likely get a huge eye-roll from powerful women. It DEFINITELY didn’t fit the women’s lib movement that was rapidly unfolding. It might even be considered anti-feminist by some. I know there was a point in my own life that my message would have made me gag a little.
I shared my concerns with the meeting organizer and she said, “No Kelly, women need this. I’m responsible for advancing women through the ranks of the financial industry, and one of the rungs on their ladder to success seems to be divorce. It’s like the more successful they get, the more their marriages unravel. We need help figuring this out.”
It felt like a gut-punch.
That’s when I realized the reason I was scared to speak to alpha females wasn’t because I thought they would reject my message. I KNEW they needed it.
I was scared because for the first time in my speaking career, I wouldn’t be talking about how I overcame being the “victim”.
In this case, I would have to talk about being the VILLAIN.
I would have to talk about my divorce and how it took losing half my nights, weekends, and holidays with my kids to understand my role in the divorce.
I would have to talk about how I criticized my husband a hundred times more than I complimented him- and how the more I “coached” him, the weaker he got.
I would have to talk about all the times I compared him to “more successful” men.
I would have to confess about all the respect I lost for him when he wasn’t meeting my unrealistic expectations.
Ugh. I would have to face the demise that my words alone created. On stage. In front of my peers.
My mind raced the entire time I was up there. “Are they getting this?” I wondered. “Are they judging me? Can they relate?”
As I wrapped up, not one person clapped. In fact, no one even moved. I wanted to die.
Eventually, one woman said, “Wow, I’m feeling pretty guilty right now. I do everything you just described and I never connected the dots that it’s my constant criticism that has shut my man down.”
Then, another woman volunteered, “While you were talking, I texted my husband to say thank you for all he does, and he wrote back, ‘What’s wrong? Are you having an affair? Why the sudden kindness?’”
One by one, the audience shared breakthroughs of how they hold their success over their husband’s head. How they compete within the marriage, but every time they win the competition, they lose respect for their partner.
And it’s a conversation I’ve been having with women ever since.
Our success matters. Our excellence, contribution and acceptance MATTERS. And watching women rightfully (and finally) assume their place at the top inspires me every single day. (Keep going!!)
But I think what we’re missing is that, at times, we’re perpetuating the very same problem we are trying to overcome. We are degrading our men, not with our sexist remarks about them “looking hot that day”, but by constantly showing them how they’re falling short. How they’re not measuring up. How they’re not good enough for us.
There is a funny thing about men; they have this way of proving us right!! When we tell them they aren’t good enough, they shut down, put in less effort, and prove us right. But when we affirm them and recognize their strengths- they become King Kong and put in this gallant effort to try and impress us even more.
Could they REALLY be this simple? Could they REALLY only require, food, water, sex, and a little praise?
You tell me.
Try this experiment for the next week and see if you get to go to bed every night with a better husband:
1) Give him two compliments for every complaint.
That’s it. Find ways to speak into what’s working.
Try this for one week and see what happens.
I’ll be back next week with some tips for the guys on ways to REALLY earn and keep her RESPECT. Cause when she respects you, brother, you’ve got the keys to the kingdom!
I love you and I love love. Be good to one another!
xo,
Kelly
P.S. If you want daily inspiration, please follow me on the social media links below.
She is unapologetic in the fullest expression of her beauty.
Effortless in her creation and provision.
Forthcoming with the truth, intentional with her wisdom, and infinite in her intelligence.
She creates when she’s ready and rests when she’s tired.
She does not withhold her gifts out of self-doubt or unworthiness, but graciously offers them in abundance to all who are eager to receive.
She does not temper her rage out of fear of being judged, but leans into it with full cleansing force.
She weeps from abuse but doesn’t let it define her.
Remaining true to herself, she continues to create with all the glory, color, texture and possibility she possesses.
She graciously invites us to explore her mystery and expands us with the experience of adventure and discovery.
She recognizes her stewards, calls them forth, and rejoices in their protection.
Knowing that it is only through her that we are nourished cleansed warmed cooled healed relieved entertained seduced intoxicated revealed and consumed.
She shows us the ease of balance and the necessity of duality.
She teaches us not to fear the dark, but to embrace the shadows for the secrets they hold.
She shows us the fullness of redemption and the beauty of new beginnings.
Thank you, MoNa, for sharing your answers with all who are willing to ask.
Keep showing us all the power and might that exists in our truest feminine nature 🙌
The mother of one of the most impactful inventors in history, Thomas Edison says this of his mother:
“My mother was the making of me. She was so true, so sure of me: and I felt I had something to live for, someone I must not disappoint.”
One of the more inspirational tales of this mother/son duo tell of a time young Edison came home from school with a note. Unable to read it himself, he asked his mother what it said.
Her eyes welled with tears as she read aloud “Dear Mrs. Edison, I’m afraid Thomas will not be able to return to school. He is too smart, and we are unable to teach him anything further.”
Years later, Thomas, who had already established his genius, would discover this letter in his mother’s desk drawer. It really read:
“Dear Mrs. Edison, I’m afraid Thomas will not be able to return to school. He is too dumb, and he is unable to learn anything further.”
Ms. Edison embodies the feminine gift of LIFE GIVER
She breathed life into her son and his gifts. Not by holding him to traditional standards, but by seeing her son for who he was.
Thomas’s mother didn’t focus on what he couldn’t do; she focused on what he could do.
Nancy Edison maximized the power of praise and today gets the credit for being the force behind one of the greatest minds in history.
Cheers to all the mama’s out there who are the seers. The ones who can find the genius in the madness. The finders of a better truth. The ones who can nurture their kids to personal empowerment. The ones who can hold the light among the shadows of traditional success.
Jada’s Facebook Series, Red Table Talks, have become the go-to destination for some of the most crucial conversations taking place today.
Her topics have covered everything from family and marriage to race and religion. Red Table Talks’ guests have included former friendships gone wrong, self-proclaimed bigots, and victims of high-profile legal battles.
With her mom and daughter as her co-hosts, she covers a wide spectrum of values and a deep multi- generational perspective.
Jada’s knack for exploring divisive topics is a gorgeous example of the feminine gift of bringing CONSENSUS.
Her way of facilitating difficult conversations shows the importance of seeking to understand.
She’s not out to prove right v. wrong.
She listens without judgement and allows her guests to share their truths.
More importantly, she doesn’t shy away from her own truth, and allows both to peacefully co-exist – if only at the table.
I felt the pressure today. How do I choose one woman, one face, one body of work to represent each of us?
From RBG to Mother Teresa? Oprah? Ellen? Mulalah? Sally Ride? Queen Elizabeth? Lady Di? Rosa Parks?
Who was the ONE WOMAN we could all connect with? Who was the ONE WOMAN who left the indelible mark of feminine? Who was the ONE WOMAN who’s life served as a catapult for our collective progress?
Who was the ONE WOMAN who showed us just how powerful it is to be a woman?
Oh yeah. I remember.
It is the Wild Woman
The woman who ignored who they told her to be and showed them who she was.
The woman who knew in her bones why she was here and trusted her soul to lead the way.
The woman who didn’t come to compete with others, but to complete her own journey.
The woman who activated the same wild spirit in her sisters.
The woman who knows well behaved women rarely make history.
The woman who lights the path with a fire that doesn’t lie and heart that doesn’t quit.
The woman who is in each of us and pushes and pulls until she finds her path.
Yeah.
That’s her.
That’s the International Woman that has resided in all of our stories. All of our souls. And all of our progress.
Lauren is the first woman in over twenty years to have an album reach Billboard Top 10 on the Christian charts and then successfully cross over to the Pop charts.
Part of her success is no- doubt because of her smoky and passionate voice. The other part is because her lyrics are so relatable, if you didn’t know she was singing about Jesus, you might think she was singing about a boyfriend, sister, or parent.
The genesis of all this success began when she was 15 and contacted an autoimmune disease that kept her home bound for TWO YEARS.
The result of this was developing her Feminine Super Power of FAITH.
While she was home with her illness, away from her friends, she was free from all distractions, except her passion for singing.
God kept showing her visions
In that season, she says God kept showing her visions of tour busses. “These visions of me on tour busses just kept popping into my head and I was like ‘ok God, what are you trying to show me here?”
But her faith didn’t end there. She trusted herself and her talent enough to pursue it.
Often, our faith in our Higher Power can be supreme. We can have all the faith in the world that God is working for us, or that the universe has our back.
But then we doubt ourselves. We doubt our ability, wisdom, circumstances, or worthiness to actually pursue our desires.
Essentially, our self doubt can cancel out our spiritual faith.
This is why Lauren gets the nod for faith.
Once she recovered from her illness, she tried out for American Idol in 2010, 2011, and 2012, never advancing past the first round of Hollywood week.
Lauren kept on trusting her God and her talent
But she kept on trusting her God and her talent and in 2015 landed on the Billboard charts at #1 with her debut album – just 3 years after being rejected from ‘Idol’.
Fast forward 3 more years and she found herself at #3 on the pop charts.
Now that’s some serious faith!
“There’s a wonderful old Italian joke about a poor man who goes to church every day and prays before the statue of a great saint, begging, “Dear saint-please, please, please…give me the grace to win the lottery.” This lament goes on for months. Finally the exasperated staue comes to life, looks down at the begging man and says in weary disgust, “My son-please, please, please…buy a ticket.”~ Elizabeth Gilbert
It’s the term most people automatically associate with Michelle, so you
may assume this is about her support, encouragement, or grace.
But that would degrade her real super power.
See, First Lady was an identity bestowed upon her by her husband’s dreams, her husband’s pursuits, her husband’s success.
As a result, she found herself smack in the middle of the most powerful
office on earth. All eyes were on her through the lens of her
marriage.
Yikes.
Can you imagine how easy it would be to
lose yourself to THAT gravitational pull? Being the wife of the most
powerful man on earth?
As a driven, ambitious, successful woman herself, this had to come with some degree of marital competition or jealousy.
And this is where her super power that sets her apart comes in: SELF CARE.
In her book, Becoming, and her book tour that followed, Michelle has
been open about her season of marital hatred toward her husband.
As a new mom, she had left a career she loved and was now “stuck at
home” with her young kids. She watched her husband’s career escalate
while she stayed home, alone, because her partner was gone more than
half the time. She grew to resent him.
So much so that she
hauled him into therapy- CERTAIN their counselor would back her up and
help convince him to get himself together.
Except that didn’t happen.
Instead, their counselor helped her realize that she had given up control over her own happiness.
As women we do that sometimes, don’t we? Assign our partners complete responsibility over our happiness?
And this breakthrough changed the game for her. She explains:
“I was looking to my husband to make me happy. And I realized I’m
responsible for my happiness. I’m responsible for how I prioritize my
life. And I can’t be mad at him because he prioritizes his life
differently and better.”
So when the Obamas took office, she said
the FIRST thing she did was schedule out their priorities. She blocked
their calendar for important family trips, events with the girls, her
workout routines, time with her girlfriends, and all the other
activities that made her feel alive.
Having all this in place
safe guarded her personal identity as MICHELLE. As a result, she
depended less on her husband to fulfill all her needs. She stood as her
own ray of light.
And this is what helped them shine as the united Power Couple that captured the hearts of so many.
Two extraordinary people, one extraordinary relationship. 🙌
Feminine Phenoms #4 are Drs Katie Rodan and Kathy Fields
It’d be easy to tout them for their back-to-back billion dollar successes with Proactiv and Rodan + Fields.
It’d be even easier to celebrate how their life’s work reduced acne and reversed the signs of aging.
But what’s really worth recognizing is the 300,000+ women they have amped up by putting them on the path to entrepreneurship.
They did this with their ability to maximize the basic feminine element for success: CONNECTION.
Women succeeded in circles. Always have. Always will.
We have a natural multiplier effect that compounds when we collaborate with others.
So when Drs. Rodan and Fields sold their first blockbuster company (Proactiv), they returned to the market with a whole new business model.
They skipped the department store distribution and put their anti-aging products- and profits- straight into the hands of their market.
This empowered women to create income by sharing a product that helped them look and feel younger.
It also created a deep sense of community and purpose; something so many women are craving. I love seeing so many women lit up with their passion. Keep it up, ladies! Here’s my perspective on the impact of building a connection-based business:
💰Financial Independence: some do it for extra spending money, others have cranked it into a booming six-figure company, and some have created legit wealth for their families. When it comes to passive income, these women have set their families up for some impressive long-term residuals, even after they’re gone. Get it, girls!
🗝 Entrepreneurship: with a proven product and a turn-key approach, this allows women to grow a business by focusing on connection. No need to spend valuable ramp-up time and money on product development, inventory, branding, marketing, and everything else that goes with starting a business. It’s a really great option for business ownership if you’re feeling the entrepreneurial itch, but unsure where to start.
🤓 Business Savvy: I’m just gonna day it. Soooo many industries depend on getting initial business/ referrals from friends and family. Financial advisors, insurance sales, real estate agents, travel advisors… These women have found recurring/passive earning potential in a booming industry with an established company. I call that smart business sense. Way to be strategic, sisters!
🎉 Community: Have you seen them celebrate one another? I don’t know about you and your business, but no one is rolling up with a brand new Lexus for me when I hit a big goal. Their annual conferences look like a total blast and their group incentives create personal growth by encouraging one another to expand beyond their comfort zones.
🙌 Purpose: I can’t tell you how many of my friends credit Rodan + Fields for rediscovering themselves. For understanding what they are truly capable of. For giving them something tangible to strive for. For expanding into a version of themselves they never thought possible.
A company that can reverse the signs of aging?
Great.
A company that can do that AND ignite women to their fullest, best selves?
All👏 Day 👏 Long
Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. -Jane Howard
Feminine Phenom #3 goes to my newest celebrity crush: Lady Gaga
I wasn’t always a fan. I kinda liked her, but it was hard for me to find Her under all the makeup, wigs, and costumes.
She revealed in her Netflix documentary Gaga: Five Foot Two that her outrageous costumes and red carpet looks were her way of trying to maintain control in an industry notorious for controlling every aspect of the artist’s lives.
She resisted being turned into a bubble-gum pop star by putting up shields made literally of meat dresses and egg chariots.
And, let’s be honest. That worked. She clawed her way to stardom with all that bold, creative resistance. So yes, her resistance worked.
Until it didn’t.
Completely exhausted and burnt out, it started to impact her passion for creating her real art- music.
The feminine trait she models today is my favorite: SURRENDER.
The Gaga we experience today is a Gaga of surrender.
Surrender is often thought to be weak, passive, unprotected, or cowardly. It’s actually quite the opposite.
True surrender requires tremendous trust, courage, and acceptance. It’s allowing everything and everyone to be what it is. And surrendering to being You anyway. Being You. Any. Way.
By surrendering, she allowed the the industry to remain its controlling, fabricated self. She didn’t try to change it anymore.
She didn’t give in and become bubble-gum pop, either. That’s selling out, not surrendering.
She just doesn’t have to work so hard to to resist it anymore. She doesn’t have to hide her music and her talent behind the cos play.
She put down the shield and just showed up and sang.
